such things I do just to make myself more attractive to you: assume vivid astro focus, Elliot Hundley, Terence Koh, Kim Fisher, Bruce LaBruce, Mathew Cerletty
Dates: January 10 – February 14, 2004
Fri, 19 Sep 2003 04:51:14 -0400
From: “JD” firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: RE: READ THIS EMAIL
Are you telling me this because “it” — meaning me — meaning me — still being with my boyfriend … hurts you too much… even though you’re so very attracted to me… is that the reason — it’s too painfull-or-frustrating … that it’s getting you too down — not being able to be with me yet — is that it — is that why– you’re telling me to let you go?
No, I sensed that “complicated fucker” quality in you right away — because I’m the very same way — I play around with you — because I enjoy your wit and sarcasm and I know it comes from a place of desire for me and expectation too and I know that “that” type of “passion” can turn into deep sadness, obsession, pain .. and the like – in a tiny moment of non-loyality, betrayal and non-support, etc. Am I right or what the fuck? I’m so right, that this email from me probably makes you feel so great and so not great too — huh… for what its worth.. I’d call you BOY — right about now — if I too was not feeling the very same , as I type this to you. I don’t want to let you go AT —
As far as having “my shit more together” — do you mean when and/or if I am become single or do you mean … I sound like a big loser to you now with my life being as it is — with this eviction shit, Ron, etc. … or all of that — ‘because I would probably agree that my life right now is really challenging and hard for even me to understand and deal with — but at the same time — I know that I am to date — the most grounded — most inspiring fucker you have ever met. My life, as it is, is very, very hard — true — and I make no excuses, but I have my shit togther — in a way that maybe you and only a very few others could understand — you know I’m on solid ground here — it’s the other thing of not having me and me not having you — that causes my life’s equation to be seen as fucked up by some people and add me stepping-out” or wanting to step out on my relationship — probably makes me look even more fucked-up, but I am so not fucked up, AT and that’s why it hurts you and me. I have imagined you and me alone together just exploring each other — not even talking really — like we do at each other — just being right there together, on top of each other and so on… I’ve thought about that so much and I’ve thought about how you make me laugh and bring out some of my very best qualities that often are too blurred in my own depression or call it like you said – complicated — my own complicated nature — that it makes me understand why you don’t want to talk with me anymore — I know. My life is “NORMAL” though inasmuch as I’ve ever been normal – I’m the most difficult, inspiring, demanding, loving person I know — with my sister and Mother on the side and I think you next to me too NOW — “cause I think you’re as amazing as I am — I know it to be true already — but I can’t live in the future — hoping that sometime “THEN” I’ll be happy , I don’t see my life — even as it is– as the rehearsal — it’s the main event and life is sweet and so very short — Natalie Merchant, used to be w/ 10,000 Maniacs — solo for many years – writes songs that are about the truth and about me and one of them has that lyric in it — the lyrics are even better than that one line — but as she says …”life is sweet and life is alwso very very short…life is sweet> don’t fuck this up — what I’m saying here – to you- I know that you weren’t slamming me — or shit — I got it right — when you said — “I think that it may just be better for us to talk when you have your shit more together because it seems like you have a lot on your plate ..” I GOT IT RIGHT — BOY… smile.
I don’t want to hurt you or cause you any more pain — and as hard as it is for me to say this — I won’t call you or write you or email you or IM you again … but instead, I’ll be waiting for you — if you ever want to get a hold of me again — i’m actually crying a bit right now — because this will be a significant LOSS for me — I will miss you before this message has reached you and it is not what I wanted but I don’t want you to frak out over me and I don’t want you to get hurt over me either – you are special — and will think of you as you are — special — until you decide/ if ever to invite me back into your life.